sometimes

* sometimes i feel like banging my head against the wall
* sometimes i wonder if they can even hear me
* sometimes i'm astounded at the complete lack of willingness to compromise
* sometimes i'm so tired my body shakes
* sometimes i'm so hungry i can feel the rumble of my stomach down to my toes
* sometimes i want to say f**k it all
* sometimes i want to run up and give someone a hug
* sometimes i want to nuzzle up against my mom and have her tell me everything will be okay
* sometimes i get so excited about going to the movies
* sometimes i wonder where the day went
* sometimes i wish i could go back with what i know now
* sometimes i'm really in a groove
* sometimes i wish life could be simpler
* sometimes i realize that although life may not be simple it is something to embrace...

friday/saturday shuffle

i feel like the walls are closing in on me and i can't type. daylight savings time is about to end and i'm feeling a bit melancholy. hopefully this shuffle will help to alleviate some of the pressure:

1. "Softer. Softest" - Hole
2. "Geek USA" - Smashing Pumpkins
3. "Orion" - Rodrigo y Gabriela
4. "Let Down" - Radiohead
5. "You Oughta Know" (live) - Alanis Morisette
6. "The Bad Thing" - Arctic Monkeys
7. "Don't Stop Me Now" - Queen
8. "Le Voyage de Penelope" - Air
9. "Surf Wax America" (live) - Weezer
10. "Treefingers" (extended) - Radiohead

my eyes are burning and my head is pounding but i love the sounds i hear.

it's sunday night

and i'm sitting in bed while my husband drifts off into la la land. i'm jealous. i desperately want to shut off my laptop, turn off the lamp, and settle down into a deep sunday sleep. but, alas, i'm anxiously awaiting an e-mail reply. i feel like a schoolgirl...

i've made friends with someone whom i think is way cool and funny and smart. someone with whom i can talk intelligently about film and academia and life. we've exchanged e-mail over the last couple of weeks and i've come to realize that he's very receptive and reciprocal to e-mail, myspace, or facebook conversations -- which is good fun (god, i never thought i'd hear myself say that...or see myself type it for that matter). so, here's the deal...

he's gay, which makes him ultra safe! here we are: a married straight woman and a single gay man (who, by the way, is one of my instructors at school). who could ask for a more perfect friendship than that? i'm excited and giddy about getting to know this person strictly as a friend. and he's a man...how awesome is that?! i don't have to worry about whether he thinks i like him or vice versa, it is pure friendly fun. which brings me back to my first point...

i'm sitting here anxiously awaiting an e-mail from my new friend, but nothing has arrived yet. i feel as though i'm waiting by the phone for a call from "that cute guy," but instead, i'm waiting at the laptop -- occasionally checking my inbox for a bolded message, but nothing. i look forward to exchanging e-mails with him -- it's like receiving a real letter in the mail! i think he's very insightful and i feel as though i can say anything back to him and not be self conscious about it.

wow, what's going on here?

i think i need a pen pal...

i need to get a grip and go to sleep.

but, before i do that, i'm going to share my shuffle with you (which looks as though it has been relegated to sunday instead of friday -- i'll see what i can do about that).

dance to the music:

1. "Spread" - Outkast
2. "Ebudae" - Enya
3. "Take Your Carriage Clock And Shove It" - Belle & Sebastian
4. "Everything In Its Right Place" (BBC Remix) - Radiohead
5. "Everest" - Ani DiFranco
6. "Backdrifts (Honeymoon Is Over) - Radiohead
7. "Career Opportunities" - The Clash
8. "Tvc 15" - David Bowie
9. "Mike Mills" - Air
10. "Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes

peace out.

sugar water

i just saw this video for the first time this week and am continually amazed at michel gondry's talent. check it out for yo'self.

shuffling a friday to a sunday and a couple of nonsensical blabberings - don't mind me

i know, i know, everyone is busy, i'm not the only one. but, i really am up to my ears with school, home, family, internship, life, you name it...

and i feel this insane pressure to do everything perfectly and on time. yes, i am feeling sorry for myself.

starting a blog was supposed to be fun and therapeutic, but i'm feeling stressed and this weird pressure to keep up with it. and i shouldn't. but, i am determined to not give up on it. so, here is a post on a sunday night when i should be doing one of these instead:

1. reading
2. researching
3. cleaning
4. anything other than sitting in front of the computer looking at boots online and driveling on about how i'm soooooo busy

there is one bright spot. a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. i'm shooting my student film tomorrow and hoping the weather cooperates. i've been pretty nervous and excited about it, but tomorrow is the day. pretty jazzed that i'm getting real hands-on experience with 16mm cameras. wish me luck.

i'm also interning at an independent film company in san francisco and it's pretty exciting stuff. i'll go into more detail later, but suffice it to say, i'm enjoying being part of a grassroots effort despite the stress and pressure.

is there a theme going on here? why, yes there is. it's called: stress and pressure.

okay, that's enough. i'm through with that now.

should go and attempt to do one of the things on my list above. but before i go, here is my friday shuffle on a sunday. behold:

1. "Sweet Jane" - Cowboy Junkies
2. "Feeling Good" - Bobby Darin
3. "High As The Ceiling" - Stereophonics
4. "Pigs In Zen" (live) - Jane's Addiction
5. "Northern Whale" - The Good, The Bad & The Queen
6. "A Message" - Coldplay
7. "Any Way You Want It" - Journey
8. "Garageland" - The Clash
9. "I Go Humble" - Bjork
10. "Gnossienne 5" - Amarcord Wien

there you have it.

my compulsion

why, i ask you, do i feel compelled to walk out with a newly purchased book each and every time i walk into a bookstore? it's a compulsion. how many books do i think i can possibly read at one time? i already have five books sitting on my nightstand:

1. Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer
2. 8 Weeks to Optimum Health by Andrew Weil
3. Early Bird by Rodney Rothman (i'm happy to say that i have actually started and finished this one. it is still on my nightstand though.)
4. Julie and Julia by Julie Powell
5. Jim Jarmusch by Juan A. Suarez

and i just bought three more:

1. The Guerilla Art Kit by Keri Smith
2. The Nasty Bits by Anthony Bourdain (my new crush)
3. Art Brut: The Origins of Outsider Art by Lucienne Peiry

what in the world am i thinking? not only have i just added three more books to my collection, but i have a ton of books i bought back in the 90's that i haven't read yet. get a grip!

i know it sounds silly, but i love books. i might as well be drawing pictures of unicorns and rainbows on my school notebook. but really, i do love books. absorbing the stories, ideas, and knowledge is really what is so appealing and fascinating about books. books rock!

i try to avoid the bookstore on campus, but my morning class was canceled and what else was i supposed to do for an hour? i tried to walk past it, but i could feel the bookstore's magnetic pull and the next thing i knew, i was inside with a book in my hand. not two minutes in the store and i grabbed a book! a compulsion i tell you.

on another note, here's my friday shuffle:

1. "Army Of Me" (live) - Bjork
2. "Angel" - Sarah McLachlan
3. "This Is Not A Love Song" - Nouvelle Vague
4. "Peach" - Prince
5. "Maggie's Farm" (live) - Bob Dylan
6. "Exile" - Enya
7. "Starman" - David Bowie
8. "Your Song" - Elton John
9. "Friend Of A Friend" - Foo Fighters
10. "La Bayamesa" - Buena Vista Social Club

and that's all i have to say about that...

my new favorite person

anthony bourdain rocks. i love, love, love the fact that he sports some skin art. so cool...

anthony's show, no reservations, is travel, food, culture, and adventure all rolled into one. i love the fact that he unashamedly drinks, smokes and swears on his show which is evidence that this is definitely not your ordinary "food network" show. don't get me wrong, i do love watching the food network, but i like to spice it up with a little bourdain action. if you've never seen his show, you must check it out on the travel channel! good stuff indeed.

peace out.

16 mm

i love the look of films shot on 16 mm, but boy does it take a lot of patience to operate said cameras. it's not just a matter of turning the camera on and "we're rolling." you've got to measure the distance between the subject and the camera, figure out the light exposure and adjust accordingly, make sure the speed of the film is set correctly, adjust the diopter to your eye, etc....it just takes a lot of work. but it is, no doubt, a labor of love.

i am forever thankful that i have an opportunity to continue my education and have hands-on training with such cool cameras. i have developed an even deeper respect for the filmmakers who made films before the advent of the digital age. it is just a whole new ballgame now.

wish me luck as i make my way through this semester and towards my final film project. yikes!

i'll have the friday shuffle and a meme on the side

let's get right down to business:

"You Do" - Aimee Mann
"Optimistic" (live) - Radiohead
"Danger Zone" - Gwen Stefani
"Don't Tell Me" - Madonna
"Changes" - David Bowie
"A Message" - Coldplay
"Sivad" - Miles Davis
"Stone Age" - De La Soul
"Pigs In Zen" - Jane's Addiction
"Open Arms" - Journey

my favorite time of year is approaching and i've been inspired to take part in a meme that i spied on hula seventy's blog.

growing up in san francisco i became acclimated to mild weather (not too hot and not too cold) and developed a love of jackets, coats, sweaters, and any kind of cover-up made from most any fabric. the idea being that the warm weather one day could turn into a blustery day in a matter of minutes. the key is to be prepared.

anyway, my point is that i have come to love the fall in san francisco because i can enjoy all of the fall colors and smells without having to be subjected to extreme bundling up in the form of parkas and such.

here is what i'm most looking forward to this fall (i'll include early winter/christmas too):

to add to my "collection," i'd like this in pebble.

i can't wait to see this film, this one, and this one, at this festival. speaking of festivals, this one looks pretty cool too. i've also been hearing good things about this film.

i want to buy some of these to aid in my hibernation.

i can't wait to check this out in october -- a san francisco institution for over thirty years.

i would love to receive these as a gift from someone. it's something that can give back...

speaking of gifts, if santa is paying attention i'd like this for christmas and i would add this and this to it. i've been good this year...

i can't wait to make one of these. and i'd like to make some of this this holiday season since we seem to have an overabundance of catalogs and magazines.

in pursuit of some "culture," the hubby and i are anxious to see this. if we can steal away for a weekend, i'd for sure like to stay here.

i'll have some time off from school for the winter break and i'd like to cook a lot of this and make some of these.

i also can't wait to decorate the outside of our house with these.

i could go on forever, but i need to stop before i get a little too carried away.

i'd like to add one more thing. i would like to do this with the hubby and the kids.

peace out.

shufflin' along

it's been non-stop action since school started for me and the kids. i desperately want to keep up with the blogging, so i'm trying my hardest to stay engaged. a lot going on right now, but i hope to get some uninterrupted time to reflect.

in the meantime, here's some friday shufflin' for ya'll to check out:

"Aqui No Sera" - Ozomatli
"18th Avenue" - Cat Stevens
"Open Your Eyes" - Snow Patrol
"Communication Breakdown" - Led Zeppelin
"Only You" - Portishead
"Travelling Riverside Blues" - Led Zeppelin (i guess we're on a zep kick)
"Stone Age" - De La Soul
"Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
"Remember" - Air
"History Song" - The Good, The Bad & The Queen

peace out.

kings of leon

let me just start off by saying i heart the kings of leon.

i saw them at the warfield in san francisco on tuesday night with my husband and a good friend of ours. we had a rockin' good time. partied like rock stars.


one more photo for your viewing pleasure:


while i had the most fun that night, i did walk away with a few battle scars. namely a few blisters on my poor footsies. it's the price i pay for wearing a brand new pair of shoes to a concert. fortunately the many beers i consumed that night saved me from actually feeling the pain until the next morning. i've been wearing flip flops the last couple of days so as to not further irritate the blisters (which are going away).

we ended the evening with breakfast at the pinecrest diner. the pinecrest is a san francisco landmark to locals and can always be counted on for excellent late night fare.

an all around excellent night out on the town.

johnny appleseed

my husband recounted a conversation he had with his 7 year old son (my stepson) the other day and i feel compelled to share it:

son: you know who my favorite person is?
husband: no, who?
son: jesus.
husband: oh really? why is that?
son: because he planted apple trees.
husband: he did? that was nice of him.
son: i know. he planted all the apple trees in the world. and i love apples.
husband: wow, that's really great. what made you think of the apple trees?
son: the song. you know (and he starts singing the johnny appleseed song, but singing "jesus" instead of johnny appleseed)
husband: um, i think that song is about johnny appleseed planting the trees, not jesus.
son: whatever.

according to my husband, his son said "whatever" not in a smart ass way but more like: "jesus, johnny appleseed, same thing." the song does mention "the lord" throughout the song, but it was hilarious that he was so completely sure that jesus was the one who walked around and planted all the apple trees.

he's just looking for some answers to life's many mysteries...like where did all the apple trees come from?

first week of school and some shuffle action

okay, i'm going to try to keep up this friday shuffle thing, if for no other reason than to keep stock of exactly what is in my itunes library.

another random sampling:

1. "Dance Away" - Roxy Music
2. "Please Forgive Me" (live) - David Gray
3. "Stakes Is High" - De La Soul
4. "'Til I Whisper U Something" - Sinead O'Connor
5. "Let's Spend The Night Together" - Rolling Stones
6. "Ziggy Stardust" - David Bowie
7. "Pride (In The Name of Love)" - U2
8. "From The Ritz To The Rubble" - Arctic Monkeys
9. "Angel of Harlem" - U2
10. "Talk Show Host" - Radiohead

so i started the fall semester on monday. here is a wrap-up of my week:

monday -
monday is my film production class and it's an all day affair. we have lecture in the morning from 9:00 to 12:00 and then hands-on activities with 16 mm cameras in the afternoon from 1:00 to 4:00. so, i start off the first day of class by arriving late and sweaty. normally i am a very punctual person so this was not a great first impression. after the instructor barked at me for being late he told me that had i been one minute later he would have dropped me from the class. shit! granted, i was running late, but then i got lost in the building. you'd think i was brand new to the campus. but no, i've been there for a year now. then, without going into too much detail, i made a further spectacle of myself by stating that i had seen a certain director's films (which i legitimately have) and proceeded to name a film she did not direct in the least bit. i am an idiot.

tuesday -
tuesday is my criminal justice class, aka "race, crime and justice." nice light subject, eh? i'd thought about minoring in cj because of the potential connection to documentary filmmaking. i decided against it because i would have to be in school for at least another year. anyway, class started out fine. then, the professor announces an "introduction exercise." great. so, all the students (all 60 of us) get up and form a huge circle. the professor then explains that each person (one at a time) will say his/her name, something they like to do while acting it out. wait, it gets worse. the next person in the circle then has to repeat the previous person's name and activity while acting it out. nightmare. the game started with the person to the left of the professor while i was on the professor's immediate right. yep, i was the very last person in the circle. what maniac came up with this activity? what are we, 5? but, the gods must have been smiling down on me because the damn activity took so long that i didn't have to do it. phew.

wednesday -
wednesday is my "science fiction" film class with one of my favorite professors. we watched fritz lang's "metropolis." but, and this is a big but, it was not the standard b&w version. we watched a restored version made in the 80's accompanied by music by pat benatar, freddie mercury, loverboy, bonnie tyler and many other fabulous musical talents from the 80's. not only was the music modernized, but the film was colorized in wacky 80's pastel colors. i have actually never seen the standard b&w version, but figure i'll always have a chance to see that one. this fabulously 80's version is apparently hard to come by. i felt like i was 10 again.

thursday -
thursday is my "film waves and movements" class and while the class will be extremely interesting, the classroom is not made for viewing films as the chairs are mega uncomfortable. i managed to get a seat in the front of the classroom anticipating a film viewing. just my luck, one of the tallest guys in the class decides to sit right in front of me. what? i mean, come on! if you know you're tall, why would you sit in the very front of the class. we watched luchino visconti's "ossessione" and i spent the majority of the film moving from left to right and up and down around this guy's head trying to read the subtitles. fat head! this must have been my karmic destiny as i was able to narrowly avoid the "name game" in my criminal justice class. oh well.

friday -
friday is my film history 1 class. today was pretty uneventful. the only thing worthy of writing about is that my friend and i spied some guy picking his nose in class. he was fully sticking his finger up his nose and then rolling "something" around in his fingers. yuck! i thought we all outgrew that in kindergarten. along with eating paste.

peace out.

self portrait tuesday

cloaked in a field of flowers.

friday shuffle

so, i totally ganked this friday shuffle thing from michelle at weaker vessel. of course this theft is unbeknownst to michelle as she has no idea who i am. but i came across her own version of the shuffle and fell in love with the idea. peering into someone else's, not to mention your own, musical library to see what rears its ugly (or embarrassing or comical) head is just plain fun. here goes my first attempt at exposing a portion of my musical library for all to see:

"Build That Wall" - Aimee Mann
"Live With Me (Live)" - Rolling Stones
"Hands Open" - Snow Patrol
"All Those Expectations (Weak Remix)" - Peter Bjorn & John
"Motion Picture Soundtrack" - Christopher O'Riley
"Pagan Poetry" - Bjork
"Simple Kind of Life" - No Doubt
"Silent" - Bow Wow
"Sucker Punch" - Fujiya & Miyagi
"Nightblindness" - David Gray

i know there is no "editing" for coolness sake and believe me, none of that happened here. but, i do feel like i need to explain a couple of things: 1) i share the itunes library with my husband 2) i also share the library with my 10 and 7 year old stepsons. both of these facts explain the bow wow song as well as the live rolling stones song. don't get me wrong, i dig the rolling stones, but i would not be as well-versed in their rarities and live versions if it weren't for my wonderful husband. bow wow i could live without. 'nuff said.

peace out.

i love my mom

yesterday my mom and i spent the most relaxing, indulgent, pamperific day together. we decided we needed some mother/daughter bonding time. what better way to do that than get massages at a swanky spa in sonoma?

i actually have never been a huge fan of massages. i've had massages maybe a handful of times in my life. if that. massages are supposed to relieve you of stress and tension, right? but each time i got one i found myself tensing up as the masseuse attempted to massage out all of the stress and tension i carry in my neck, shoulders and back. needless to say, i pretty much avoided massages even though they always sounded so fabulous.

this time was no different. i wanted to go to the spa with my mom, but i figured i would get a luxury manicure/pedicure. in the end, i caved and opted for the aromatherapy massage. i figured i would suck it up and take one for the team.

it is a new day my friends! i walked out of the massage room in such a splendiferous haze. my mom insisted she felt like mashed potatoes. what made all the difference was the fact that the spa we visited offers a "bathing ritual" and this ritual is the most relaxing and soothing experience EVER. it completely loosened me up so that i could fully enjoy and reap the benefits of the massage.

the bathing ritual is a six-step process consisting of:

1. showering off and using a wonderfully scented exfoliating scrub
2. immersing yourself in a pool of body-temperature water
3. immersing yourself in a 102 degree spa with jets
4. herbal steam bath
5. sauna
6. cooling off shower

we also had access to the spa's outdoor mineral pools and the water temperature was just right (not too hot not too cold). i could have stayed in that pool all day. floating. i wish i had a mineral pool in my house.

yesterday was the most wonderful and relaxing day i have spent with my mom in a long time. my mom and i are close, but it's rare (especially now that i'm married and have a family) that we get a chance to spend quality time alone together. we vowed to make a point to spend more mom/daughter time together.

as i get older i learn to appreciate my mom more and more. on an adult level. she will always be my mom, but i've begun to understand that she is an individual and not just a mom. i used to think my mom knew everything and if she did or said something wrong it was a huge blow for me. what i've come to realize is that as i was growing up she was figuring stuff out along the way too. she was learning how to be a mom and how to balance that with being an individual. being a parent is hard, but my mom did a great job.

self portrait tuesday

fun with stripes and mirrors...

back-to-school

i have to admit, i did love the whole back-to-school shopping thing when i was young, but somehow i feel like it's become another diabolical way to convince parents they need to shop shop shop and buy buy buy. okay, so consumerism has co-opted christmas, but back-to-school? what's next? and, who came up with this whole back-to-school-shopping gimmick anyway? yes, i fell prey to it way back when, but does the next generation have to as well? my point is that kids these days (oh god, i can't believe i just said that), expect so much out of every single holiday and "event" like back-to-school that we will never be able to live up to the grand illusion. where will it end? in a few years will we be pressured into buying cell phones for our infants? because, come on folks, when babies need to be fed they don't want to have to rely on the old fashioned method of crying. they'll want to to dial her up using "my faves" and get some milk. pronto. no fuss no muss.

on another back-to-school note...i can tell the kids are getting anxious about school starting and summer ending by the way they've been pushing to do every fun thing imaginable this weekend. we've already gone back-to-school shopping (yes, i know, hypocrite), frolicked at the beach, swam in our neighbor's pool, explored the candy shop (but not in the fifty-cent sense), hung out with the cousins, and the kids even camped out in their tree fort.

what more could a small being ask for in a last summer weekend before school starts?

i totally remember getting the blues about school starting and feeling like my parents did not, i repeat, did not understand. they always tried to convince me that i would be happy to see all of my friends and i absolutely did not buy this line of bullshit. in actuality it took but a few days to get back in the swing of things and ultimately, i was really glad to see all of my friends at school again. now here i am, a stepmom, giving this very same advice to the kids and i can tell they don't buy a word of it. so, what i've realized is that they need to experience the back-to-school ups and downs just as we all did and that parents can't protect their kids from life (duh). they will be better people for it.

the opposite of summertime blues

this is weird. having an actual summer vacation. no job. no school. no nothin'. i haven't been in this position since junior high. it feels both right and wrong. i find myself wandering aimlessly around the house overwhelmed by this new-found freedom. granted, i did take a summer course back in june/july, which was pretty intense (4 month course packed into 5 weeks/4 days a week), but after that i've been on pure vacay. i know i'm an adult when i actually look forward to going back to school.

there are a million and one things i could do, but somehow i always find a way to avoid doing them: "i don't have enough time" or "i don't have the right (fill in the blank)." maybe the real reason i don't dive in is fear of failure...or sheer laziness.

here is a sampling of the things i could do but have yet to:

1. organize and label abundance of digital photos in photo library
2. put said photos into albums
3. clear the clutter (boy, is there clutter to clear...)
4. stain windows
5. something creative
6. watch the plethora of films i've lined up on netflix and greencine
7. spend time with people i haven't seen in a long while
8. create playlists for tasks 1 through 5

actually, i got my shit together and started #4 -- staining one of the windows in the living/dining room. so proud of myself. however, the day is going by faster than usual and i don't think i like it. to reward myself, i'm having drinks with an old friend this evening. look at that, combining #7 and cocktails! wow, all of a sudden i'm a multitasker.

self portrait tuesday

toe 2 toe.

project day 2 and a half

project day one went off without a hitch. we taped off windows, filled tiny nail holes, sanded like nobody's business and stained...one window. project day two, not so much. it didn't help that mj (aka the hubby) and i were neck deep in an argument that actually dates back several months. i love arguments that have staying power. so, we spent the day apart, he upstairs and i downstairs (i'm so glad we actually have an up and a downstairs for moments like these). however, mj did manage to eke out the staining of one window in our bedroom.

we eventually made up, got burgers from in-n-out and watched flight of the conchords together. all was well by midnight.

having said all of that, i am now in charge of staining the second window in our bedroom.


i've gone to the hardware store and procured all of the necessary supplies (more blue tape, staining cloths, steel wool pads and coffee).


i am ready to go. i am a one-woman-staining-machine. now, i just need to step away from the laptop and get busy.

peace out.

project day

today is project day. as in staining the new windows we got back in april. fun, right? the hubby's in the back sanding his little heart out while i sit and stew waiting to get my first coffee of the day. you'd think it was six in the morning, but no, it's 11:42 in the am. i love sleep.

well, off to get that wonderful (large) cup of goodness.

taking the leap

so, i've decided to dive into this here blog thing. i've been a bit of a lurker these past few months, and have finally mustered up the courage to put myself "out there." i'll be fine tuning my blog over the next couple of weeks before school starts and i hope to become a master of my own domain. he he he.

i'm giving a go of it...